I can text with my tongue
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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