6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he shaved USA in his pubs
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Randomize
