I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
