pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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