New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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