I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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