I think I just saw someone hide a body.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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