Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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