Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
