SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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