So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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