my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize