I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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