i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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