At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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