I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
