Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
