He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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