guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
