he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
