Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
