Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
