Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
