Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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