Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
