1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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