he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
