Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
