We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
