nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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