I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
