i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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