Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
