I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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