So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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