Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
