You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
