I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
