Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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