I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
