I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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