The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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