note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
