i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
