Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
