I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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