Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
