took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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