I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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