do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
