this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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