Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
