Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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