im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
