weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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