A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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