She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
