I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
