y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
