Screwed.edu
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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