These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize